Friday, January 24, 2014

stressful minutes, wasted minutes

today, i feel as if i have spent many more minutes than i needed to worrying about whether any of my future blog posts will be "as good as" that first one or "good enough" to read, period. i think they usually call it the curse of the second novel... or in this case "the curse of the second blog post." (i'm no where near a novel. yet.) and who am i to think i have enough to say to write a blog? (much less a novel) oh brain, you betrayer.

apparently, this is what i do when people read my blog and tell me i'm awesome.

what in the world is wrong with me?


here it is.
my second (technically third) post.

i'm doing it-- without knowing exactly what i will say, but knowing i will eventually say something...

because i want to write, by golly.

so, i will write.

just write. 

i remember having this same problem at sometime in high school... i think it was over a sermon i was going to be giving for youth Sunday, and i was freaking out about it--of course-- not much has changed in ten years, apparently-- and my good friend Jerry told me to stop it and to write. "just write." those were his words.

so i did.

and it worked.

it always works. writing my solo show senior year of college was agony.
Pure. Unadulterated. Agony.
so much so that my friend William (who, i am sure, was sick of listening to my bitching and moaning) volunteered to type while i just sat there and talked about what i was thinking of writing just so i could get started.

the getting started...the "just writing" is so hard.
for me.
why is it so hard?

i may never know.

but i do know that i plan to keep writing.

instead of worrying.
instead of self editing.
instead of drafting in my head but never putting words to paper.
instead of making excuses.
instead of judging myself.
                           and my thoughts.
                           and my words.

because, as a very wise teacher once told me (while i was walking a tightrope, no less):

"Judging yourself is wasted energy." 


here's to no more wasting energy--or minutes--on judging yourself.

            it's time to just write.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

the minute of creation

this morning (Thursday), I decided to create this blog...

without the worry of "saying it right"... which is often my downfall for consistent writing and expressing my thoughts in general-- I just don't want to say it incorrectly, or worse, wrongly...

but isn't not saying it worse?

I think maybe it is...

"How do I tell you everything that is in my heart?

     Impossible to begin...



snow day minute

driving home from work on Tuesday, I passed a man walking in the snow... he didn't have a hat or a scarf, just alight coat and some ear buds.

and how many times have you been warned not to stop your car for strangers? and how many internet articles have you read about men preying on women by acting as if their car is broken down and they need help? and how many times have you passed by a scene like this one?

so, I drove on by...but the nagging feeling continued... and all the things that had been ingrained in me: the fear of rape, the "don't talk to strangers," the desire to get home after a long day began to conflict with my human compassion and my worry for this poor man (who had to be around my age) walking in the heavy snow--without proper clothing! I was in my car, and I was cold--what must he be feeling?

then, the light turned red.

well, I couldn't back up. But, I told myself if he reached me and the light hadn't turned, I would do it.

I purposefully did not turn right on red, although I could have, and I realized, I wanted him to reach me in time...

and he did.

I rolled down my window:

   "excuse me, sir?" old habits die hard... "would you like a ride?"

   taking out an ear bud and pausing mid-stride "no, thank you..."

   "are you sure? would you like my hat?" taking off my homemade hat and holding it out to him

    big smile (and I notice the British accent) "no, thank you. I'm just right up the road, really." 

   "ok...stay warm!" 

and I drove away smiling, waving at him at the crosswalk... and I was glad I rolled down my window, even if he didn't accept my offer(s)...because kindness is so under-valued and under-given in this world... and it really makes all the difference.