Tuesday, February 3, 2015

a minute for crying

I'm not sure I could say it better... 

The Terminator: Why do you cry?
John Connor: You mean people?
John Connor: I don't know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts.
The Terminator: Pain causes it?
John Connor: No, it's when there's nothing wrong with you, but you hurt anyway. You get it?

Monday, February 2, 2015

a minute for space

how much space do we take up...
... in the world
... in each other's lives
... in our own lives
... ?

i think we want to take up space both in the world and in the hearts of our friends and loved ones.

i think we like to know that we matter to the people we care about.

but how much space do we give our selves in our own hearts? 

i am particularly bad at this. 

a mentor told me once that i needed to take care of myself as well as i take care of others. but i have rarely been able to do that.

it has taken me a long time to admit --out loud-- that i derive a lot of my own self worth and self love from helping others. and while helping others fills me up, it also depletes me in a way that i'm not sure i can replenish myself. i suppose this is part of what relationships are for, filling each other up (i originally wrote "feeling" instead of filling, and i'm sure that's part of it too)

but i struggle with the desire to know that i can be fulfilled on my own, all my myself, but no man--or woman-- is an island.

do i contradict myself? very well, i contradict myself. i am large. i contain multitudes. 

back to the point.

i went to see peter and the starcatcher the other night. peter pan stories have long been among my favorite, and i have a fondness for this show. this time, i was particularly struck by the line "things are only worth what you are willing to give up for them." 

and it leads me to think: if i keep giving up or giving out parts of myself for others, what do i have left for myself?

what space do i take up? 

what is my worth?